Internet Stoopid

Everyone has that one stupid thing that makes them laugh uncontrollably clutching their stomach on the floor. You might not want to say so out loud, but you do.

Admit it. ADMIT IT. 

This post is dedicated to those stupid things that we all secretly love on the internet and watch on loop on Youtube. And hey speaking of dumb loop videos, I have an old favorite that just might fit the bill.

A few years back, the online dating app Zoosk had a commercial air about a woman and a horrible first date with a "Pro Dart player." During this date the Dart guy is bragging about his abilities, then promptly chucks a dart into another guy's chest.

I'm just gonna leave this here.

Not gonna lie. I die every time I see that poor impaled man's face. The look of pure shock and incredulity holds a special place in my heart. Oh...poor phrasing.

These dumb internet things can be found almost anywhere, but my personal favorite hunting ground is YouTube. There is so much dumb stuff to laugh at. So little time.

Jump to :35 for the money shot.

But it's not just YouTube that make us laugh. Some of the best dumb things on the internet actually come from TV. Take for instance the Mercedes Super Bowl commercial featuring chickens with some very impressive dance moves.

You WISH you had moves like that.

When I saw this commercial I was in the middle of eating a particularly guacamole laden chip. Let's just say I never got a chance to finish it (guacamole everywhere). I'm not sure what about this commercial I find so funny. Maybe its the deadpan expression of the chicken. Or maybe its because I tried to imagine the Mercedes Marketing Team presenting this idea.

"Hey boss, so we had this great idea.....Dancing Chickens."

Either way these videos do nothing to advance humanity. They don't convey messages of peace, love, or friendship. They are dumb. They are stupid. And we love every second of them.

Productivity Panic

So I don't know if any of you have had this problem or not, but stop me if this sounds familiar. You have the sudden urge to be productive above and beyond the norm. You start thinking about how awesome it would be to accomplish all the little things that you've been meaning to do, and start to make a list. The only thing is, the more you write down on that list, the more you start to panic.

SO. MUCH. STUFF.

What started out as just a few things to do has turned into a 500 page manifesto of things you've been putting off but really, really shouldn't have. Remember that maintenance light in the car? How about that Change of Address form since you moved again?  Oh and don't forget about that growing mass in your closet known as "laundry."

The thing is, writing all this stuff down is supposed to make you feel more organized and capable of doing it all. But all I seem to have succeeded in doing was giving myself an ulcer. Please pass the Pepto.

I'm Sorry!!!

I'm so sorry my faithful readers! All 12 of you! I have been neglecting my blog. Avoiding it really. I would have a really great idea for a post. I might even get started but...

No. There isn't really any good excuse for why I haven't written in so long. I mean heck even a blurb would have been better than radio silence. But to be honest this is one of the things I do a lot that drives me nuts. I'll have this amazing wave of creative thoughts that I want to put into action. The ideas are flowing. The wit is spot on. And my imagination runs wild.

Apparently I like to use Spongebob on here a lot...

These are always the best times, because I have the energy to match my creative drive. Sometimes I'll even finish 3 or 4 projects and still have enough juice to think up another 5. Everything seems to go so smoothly when I'm in one of these grooves. And people seem to like what I do, fueling me to keep going. And then I dig just a little too deep and find things I wish I had just left alone...

Oh. Crap.

After getting so far into my creative stride I find that I have an amazing capacity for apathy. I'm wiped out. I don't want to make anything. I just want to do my best impersonation of a couch potato and let the rest of the world make cool things. That's all the internet is right? Cool things and cat videos?

That is what happened this past week. I burned out. I had nothing to spare after trying to handle all the other things in the adult world. I just couldn't bring myself to tap on this keyboard except to find silly goat videos. So for that I apologize. In the future, I'll share those videos with you. Maybe even some of my own videos. Who knows. I feel a creative wave coming.

I'm Melting

It's too damn hot. There, I said what everyone around here is thinking. In a city where AC is about as common as a unicorn, the heat seeps into every room and hangs out like an uninvited house guest.

I've tried everything to escape this oppressive heat. Cold showers. Ice cubes down my shirt. I've even considered sticking my head in the freezer, just to get a small bit of relief. But sadly all these remedies are only temporary fixes to this frying pan called Seattle.

What I don't understand is how everyone in this lovely state assured me, multiple times, that Washington summers are the best time of year. Are you all NUTS?! I left California to get away from scorching sun rays. And did I mention the humidity you guys have going right now?

I would be lucky to look like that chicken. My hair, which already has a mind of its own, has staged a full scale revolt which no product seems to be able to contain. Not to mention I have dark hair, which of course retains heat like some kind of radioactive sponge. Small reptiles could use my head as a heat rock.

How do you people do it? What secret aren't you sharing with me that allows you all to go about your day like nothing is wrong???

Money Problems

Money can't buy you happiness. Well to the wise sage that postulated this little nugget I say NOT TRUE. You know what makes me happy? Having a roof over my head. You know what you need for that? Money. Guess what else makes me happy? Chocolate. Sweet, delicious, decadent chocolate. In most situations I need money for this. I'm a little old to go trick or treating anymore...

More painful than realizing Santa isn't real. 

Now I'm not saying that money is the ONLY key to happiness. I mean, until money can buy me true love, a lightning quick metabolism, or an IQ over 150 then the saying is still partially true. But the majority of the obstacles to my happiness could all be solved with some cold hard cash.

The worst is when you have to be fiscally responsible in places that are known for irresponsibility. Like bars. Trying to think about how much that $9 mojito is going to throw off your grocery budget after your first two is like trying to paint the Mona Lisa left-handed and blindfolded. You know you probably shouldn't do it and will embarrass yourself later, but who are you to back down from a challenge?

This was done right-handed.

By far the worst, is when your friends can afford to go do fun things and you have to awkwardly explain you are so broke, you eat cereal with a fork to save on milk. Even the most trivial of outings like getting coffee now become a major life decision. Going to the movies is a luxury, even if you're going to see the heinous live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Rotten Tomatoes verifies how awful this film is). 

So really, money CAN buy you happiness. Yes, materialistic things don't guarantee that you'll be happy, but honestly it would be a damn good place to start.