Internet Stoopid

Everyone has that one stupid thing that makes them laugh uncontrollably clutching their stomach on the floor. You might not want to say so out loud, but you do.

Admit it. ADMIT IT. 

This post is dedicated to those stupid things that we all secretly love on the internet and watch on loop on Youtube. And hey speaking of dumb loop videos, I have an old favorite that just might fit the bill.

A few years back, the online dating app Zoosk had a commercial air about a woman and a horrible first date with a "Pro Dart player." During this date the Dart guy is bragging about his abilities, then promptly chucks a dart into another guy's chest.

I'm just gonna leave this here.

Not gonna lie. I die every time I see that poor impaled man's face. The look of pure shock and incredulity holds a special place in my heart. Oh...poor phrasing.

These dumb internet things can be found almost anywhere, but my personal favorite hunting ground is YouTube. There is so much dumb stuff to laugh at. So little time.

Jump to :35 for the money shot.

But it's not just YouTube that make us laugh. Some of the best dumb things on the internet actually come from TV. Take for instance the Mercedes Super Bowl commercial featuring chickens with some very impressive dance moves.

You WISH you had moves like that.

When I saw this commercial I was in the middle of eating a particularly guacamole laden chip. Let's just say I never got a chance to finish it (guacamole everywhere). I'm not sure what about this commercial I find so funny. Maybe its the deadpan expression of the chicken. Or maybe its because I tried to imagine the Mercedes Marketing Team presenting this idea.

"Hey boss, so we had this great idea.....Dancing Chickens."

Either way these videos do nothing to advance humanity. They don't convey messages of peace, love, or friendship. They are dumb. They are stupid. And we love every second of them.

Productivity Panic

So I don't know if any of you have had this problem or not, but stop me if this sounds familiar. You have the sudden urge to be productive above and beyond the norm. You start thinking about how awesome it would be to accomplish all the little things that you've been meaning to do, and start to make a list. The only thing is, the more you write down on that list, the more you start to panic.

SO. MUCH. STUFF.

What started out as just a few things to do has turned into a 500 page manifesto of things you've been putting off but really, really shouldn't have. Remember that maintenance light in the car? How about that Change of Address form since you moved again?  Oh and don't forget about that growing mass in your closet known as "laundry."

The thing is, writing all this stuff down is supposed to make you feel more organized and capable of doing it all. But all I seem to have succeeded in doing was giving myself an ulcer. Please pass the Pepto.

I'm Sorry!!!

I'm so sorry my faithful readers! All 12 of you! I have been neglecting my blog. Avoiding it really. I would have a really great idea for a post. I might even get started but...

No. There isn't really any good excuse for why I haven't written in so long. I mean heck even a blurb would have been better than radio silence. But to be honest this is one of the things I do a lot that drives me nuts. I'll have this amazing wave of creative thoughts that I want to put into action. The ideas are flowing. The wit is spot on. And my imagination runs wild.

Apparently I like to use Spongebob on here a lot...

These are always the best times, because I have the energy to match my creative drive. Sometimes I'll even finish 3 or 4 projects and still have enough juice to think up another 5. Everything seems to go so smoothly when I'm in one of these grooves. And people seem to like what I do, fueling me to keep going. And then I dig just a little too deep and find things I wish I had just left alone...

Oh. Crap.

After getting so far into my creative stride I find that I have an amazing capacity for apathy. I'm wiped out. I don't want to make anything. I just want to do my best impersonation of a couch potato and let the rest of the world make cool things. That's all the internet is right? Cool things and cat videos?

That is what happened this past week. I burned out. I had nothing to spare after trying to handle all the other things in the adult world. I just couldn't bring myself to tap on this keyboard except to find silly goat videos. So for that I apologize. In the future, I'll share those videos with you. Maybe even some of my own videos. Who knows. I feel a creative wave coming.

I'm Melting

It's too damn hot. There, I said what everyone around here is thinking. In a city where AC is about as common as a unicorn, the heat seeps into every room and hangs out like an uninvited house guest.

I've tried everything to escape this oppressive heat. Cold showers. Ice cubes down my shirt. I've even considered sticking my head in the freezer, just to get a small bit of relief. But sadly all these remedies are only temporary fixes to this frying pan called Seattle.

What I don't understand is how everyone in this lovely state assured me, multiple times, that Washington summers are the best time of year. Are you all NUTS?! I left California to get away from scorching sun rays. And did I mention the humidity you guys have going right now?

I would be lucky to look like that chicken. My hair, which already has a mind of its own, has staged a full scale revolt which no product seems to be able to contain. Not to mention I have dark hair, which of course retains heat like some kind of radioactive sponge. Small reptiles could use my head as a heat rock.

How do you people do it? What secret aren't you sharing with me that allows you all to go about your day like nothing is wrong???

Money Problems

Money can't buy you happiness. Well to the wise sage that postulated this little nugget I say NOT TRUE. You know what makes me happy? Having a roof over my head. You know what you need for that? Money. Guess what else makes me happy? Chocolate. Sweet, delicious, decadent chocolate. In most situations I need money for this. I'm a little old to go trick or treating anymore...

More painful than realizing Santa isn't real. 

Now I'm not saying that money is the ONLY key to happiness. I mean, until money can buy me true love, a lightning quick metabolism, or an IQ over 150 then the saying is still partially true. But the majority of the obstacles to my happiness could all be solved with some cold hard cash.

The worst is when you have to be fiscally responsible in places that are known for irresponsibility. Like bars. Trying to think about how much that $9 mojito is going to throw off your grocery budget after your first two is like trying to paint the Mona Lisa left-handed and blindfolded. You know you probably shouldn't do it and will embarrass yourself later, but who are you to back down from a challenge?

This was done right-handed.

By far the worst, is when your friends can afford to go do fun things and you have to awkwardly explain you are so broke, you eat cereal with a fork to save on milk. Even the most trivial of outings like getting coffee now become a major life decision. Going to the movies is a luxury, even if you're going to see the heinous live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Rotten Tomatoes verifies how awful this film is). 

So really, money CAN buy you happiness. Yes, materialistic things don't guarantee that you'll be happy, but honestly it would be a damn good place to start.

Interpreting Craigslist

Craigslist is a treasure trove of free ellipticals, anonymous sex ads, and used cars. But for the savvy renter, Craigslist is also a haven of unfound gems on the housing market. Now I'm pretty good at this whole Craigslist thing, but I think there are a few details that need to be examined here. Like when I click on "cozy cottage with great personality," I get this.

Complete with adjacent vacant lot. 

What makes people think that tricking innocent unsuspecting Criagslisters into clicking on a home worthy of the Munsters will end well? I mean yeah I probably should have guessed a 2 bedroom place for less than $700 wouldn't exactly be the most glamorous thing but come on!

The crème de la crème was the "2 bedroom apartment for the eccentric taste," early in my Craigslist hunt. Great location. Parking garage. 2 bed 2 bath. So eager. So naïve. 

My future roommate and I arrived at a dirty entrance somewhere between a hole in the wall and a rat's nest. Not to judge a book by it's cover, we proceeded with the viewing. After ascending three flights of stairs, and stumbling down a dimly lit hallway straight out of the Shining, we arrived at the unit. The landlord sheepishly opens the door and my jaw hits the dirty carpeted floor. Exposed cinder blocks...with no windows. No, literally, there were no windows at this place. 

Imagine this. But everywhere.

At this point the landlord is explaining the additional charges for the place. An extra $100 here, another $90 there, but who's counting?

The final nail in the coffin (an accurate description), was when I walked into the bathroom. What this complex had done, was take a stand up shower, and made it accessible to both the full and the half bathroom. One door on either side. Privacy? Pshaw. Not to mention there was no upper wall between them, so you could hear every little sound the other side was making. It was like living in a dorm all over again. And even those showers had curtains.

Needless to say my roommate's and my tastes were not "eccentric" enough to take on this panic room of an apartment, so we moved on. Wiser. More cynical. In the end we have become the most discerning of Craigslist house hunters. Wary of every cozy, eccentric, urban, charming, and affordable description.

Hosting Calories

It's so easy to justify truly terrible eating habits when friends or family come to visit. I mean really how often do they come to see you? One slice of cheesecake won't hurt. Or that donut. Hamburgers are protein! If anything that cancels out the Slurpee you had this morning.

Only a slight exaggeration.

Sometimes you might be able to resist. Sometimes you say "Oh no I shouldn't eat that sundae. I had one for lunch." But then that friend says you should split it with them because, "they couldn't eat it themselves" (and you just watched them snarf an entire platter of chicken wings). So you get roped into eating more, even after you had practiced such great personal control.

But I mean really...could you resist this?

And so when your visitor finally leaves, you are left with nothing but an empty feeling and a full stomach. And by the time you finally worked off all those calories you consumed, weeks, months or even years later, guess who's coming to town?

Better get your sweatpants out of the closet. 

Swiss Miss

Everyone has had one. A senior moment. A brain fart. Or in doctor speak, a "maladaptive brain activity change." That time where you literally can't think of something you had thought of or learned literally 5 seconds ago. It's on the tip of your tongue, the back of your mind...everywhere but where it needs to be: in your conversation.

The worst is when it involves another party. For instance, that one Christmas party my family decided to throw in Switzerland with the whole international neighborhood. (They live there...I was visiting)

Even the kids could speak five languages.

Now I'm a pretty social person and I like meeting new people, but this time there was pressure. As the evening went on and I met every new neighbor, a kindly couple explained to me that when you "cheers" with someone (or I guess "pröst" since we were in Switzerland), you are supposed to say the name of the person you are toasting with, then say pröst, then drink.

Now this would have been fine if it was just a few people over for a Christmas meal. Unfortunately it felt like half of the United Nations was cruising around our living room. And there I was trying desperately to remember every family on the half-mile block without causing an international incident.

The guy in the choke hold pronounced a silent "t."

Now really, everyone was very nice and understanding, but having a flair for the dramatic, I was increasingly beginning to believe I had embodied the old "ugly American" stereotype. I literally could not remember a single name. I was so wrapped up in not messing up my name, that not 2 seconds after they had introduced themselves, I was drawing a blank.

Check "Ambassador" off my potential job list.

Needless to say I made it through the evening without causing offense or drowning my embarrassment in booze with every toast.

The thought was tempting.

Caught Staring

This is probably one of the most embarrassing things you could have happen to you, next to clogging the toilet at your friend’s house. Getting caught staring. Now there are different reasons people stare but getting caught is always the same reaction.

"OH SHIT, they saw me. Look away at something else! Maybe they didn’t notice me staring. Maybe if I look back at something behind them. DAMMIT I looked right at them. Ok what about looking at that person at the end – OH SHIT they saw me…"
(Photo By: Jack Wolf)

It’s a vicious cycle that either has you end up looking at the floor or desperately scrolling Facebook on your phone. There is no graceful way out of this. Now I've had a few situations where this has happened, but just three days ago, I experienced a whole new level to this problem. 

Not only did I manage to get caught staring, I somehow got caught looking at this guy three consecutive times in the span of five minutes. Words can not express the depth of my embarrassment.

What have I done?
(Photo by: Takashi Hososhima)

In my defense, this was a very pretty looking man. And my phone had just used its meager 5% of power left. I was out of options. So I started staring. He caught me. I looked away...then looked back. Caught again. Well I wasn't about to be caught staring a third time so I looked at the window. Right into the reflection of that guy. At this point I was so embarrassed I tried to pretend my dead phone still had power. I didn't succeed. 

Why Didn’t You TELL Me?!

We always assume that our friends would have the decency to be honest with us. This includes when we have food stuck in our teeth, tuck our shirt into our underpants, or just look like a hot mess. Unfortunately, people come up with thousands of reasons they would never be so “rude” and say something. For those monsters out there, I’ve compiled a number of ways to do your friends a favor, and tell them when their breath could peel paint.

Want a piece of gum? Maybe a whole pack?
(Photo by: Peter Franz, CC) 

1. Blunt Observation

Let’s not beat around the bush. When your friend has committed a social faux pas, you don’t want to leave them oblivious to their shame (no matter how funny someone’s fly being down may be). You say something. Not something cryptic like X-Y-Z. No you tell them flat out “Your pants zipper is down and has been since 9am this morning.” Their bright red face is a sign of gratitude. Guaranteed.

2. Verbal Cues

Not everyone is blessed with an outgoing personality. That’s why this method is perfect for the painfully introverted. Say a friend has one of the worst hair days of their life. Offer up a simple phrase such as “I wish I could get my hair to work like that. Anime is so cool.” They’ll get the message.

3. Physical Cues

But what about the situations where you need to be quiet? Like a wedding, business meeting or an intense staring contest? Enter physical cues. Imagine your friend has just come from the gym with mascara running down their face like some depressed clown. Hold up your hands in fear and point at their face while backing away slowly. Silently, you have made your point and your friend can salvage the situation.

4. Cover Up

Now these things we’ve discussed earlier all can be fixed with a simple trip to the bathroom or nearest water fountain, but what about the problems that can’t be fixed then and there? What if your friend has just eaten their usual turkey, onion, and garlic sandwich? The answer is simple. Cover it up. Find yourself some sardines and chow down.

Warning: May attract penguins
(Photo by:William Warby)

Awkward Introductions

Are you one of those people that literally forgets how to be human when you meet someone new? Case in point: this post. This post is supposed to introduce myself to you without sounding too preachy, or high-strung, or heaven forbid boring. And yet the more I try and explain who I am and what this blog is for, the more I feel like a fish out of water.

For those who don't get this reference, you have my pity. 

Well to keep this short, I am a Seattleite, trying to put all the crazy stuff that happens in life into perspective. What I mean is, like you, I'm trying to make sense out of everything. I just happen to blog about it. In Seattle. 

I don't know what topics and events you're going to see on here because they haven't happened to me yet. Either that or I've repressed them maliciously. But still I promise you a good laugh or two. Join me every week for a new story from my travels around the sun, and feel free to tell me your own in the comments!

Just don't be weird. That's my job. 

Most original duck face on the Internet.